It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
