Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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