You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
