i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
