there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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