I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
