I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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