woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
