I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
