how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
