so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
