Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
