I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
