We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have fence marks all over my body
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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