How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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