i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so let's talk penis.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
