I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
