there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
