Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
