you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
