woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
