guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
