all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
