she takes plan B like it's going out of style
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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