just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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