im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
