paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
