I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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