in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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