I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
