do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
