You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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