What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
