And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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