Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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