Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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