I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
