that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Sober January is a disaster.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
