My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
