She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
