my cup is half full, half full of rum.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
