I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
