one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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