Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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