I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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