She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
