Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
