worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize