I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
