I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
whose parrot is this?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
