I love black thongs
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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