I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
